Live blogging the Oscars ... or not
posted 3-7-2010 - 11:23 pm

 
Wow. Never done this before (the live blogging, that is, except it's not quite: I'm writing in real time, but this will get posted the moment the show's over). Oh, well, we do what we can.

I've skipped Barbara Walters and most of the red carpet show on E! (just too much).

Here goes ... If only there were a way to watch the Oscar red carpet without the cloying, annoying announcers gushing so (yes, I can turn down the sound – and did – but that doesn't make them disappear). But BOY, does Meryl Streep look good. I wanna be her when I grow up!

Jeff Bridges seriously needs a haircut ... it’s not wearing well.

Only one night a year do I care who's wearing what in Hollywood, and so far all I can think of is J-Lo in this huge wash of pink on the red carpet; Armani Prive? Really?? At least the lines of the gown were kinda interesting. But it does make her look bigger from behind. Wait, Helen Mirren actually looks really good in a gray Badgley Mishka; excellent – now I can purge J-Lo from my head!

Neil Patrick Harris and many, many showgirls in a Vegas-type intro song does better than the dialogue between Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin, although the latter two have their moments. Still, they’ve now officially reached their quota of Meryl Streep jokes; one more will make even Streep cringe.

Zac Efron and Taylor Lautner not quite gracious enough good sports about accepting the joshing from Martin and Baldwin. They’re young; they’ll learn.

Penelope Cruz looks smashing in that deep burgundy red dress. What a presence. Ohhhhhhh!!

Stanley Tucci is really creepy in that clip from The Lovely Bones; but then, so is Christopher Weitz in Inglourious Basterds. Whoops, the latter creep actually WON the best supporting actor award. Guess that means he did an effective job in the role: we weren’t supposed to like him. But I still don’t like him anyway. I would have given it to Tucci. Nuts.

Best animated feature: I don’t have a favorite here. But the expected one wins – Up. Nice, personable, geeky young man comes up to accept the award. Can’t be from Hollywood: he looks and talks like a real person.

Weak joke about a forgettable movie (The Hangover), followed by Miley Cyrus in a weak attempt at a ball gown (looks like a 1940s brassiere-shaper with a fancy skirt attached. The two pieces simply don’t go together. Who dressed this kid?! Or did Cyrus choose her own dress? (Ouch – that would explain much)

Aha, the Crazy Heart mania has started: Ryan Bingham and T-Bone Burnett’s tune wins an Oscar. And the two accepting the award look like Mutt and Jeff. Or maybe Charlie the tuna and Jeff.

Chris Pine intros the clip from District 9? Guess that was the consolation prize for Star Trek receiving only a few technical nominations. But really, much as I liked that film, it was all it deserved re: the Oscars. Let’s be fair.

Tina Fey really working that slit in her gown across the stage. Nice legs! (I’m envious.) Robert Downey makes an evil but very funny joke about geeks and CGI replacing real actors. Best original screenplay award goes to The Hurt Locker. YES!!!! May this be a trend tonight. The scriptwriter tells Kathryn Bigelow his award really belongs to her. Nice touch. Gracious.

Molly Ringwald (there’s someone we haven’t seen in a while on the runway) and Matthew Broderick present a kind remembrance of the late director John Hughes. Excellent clip from Ferris Buehler’s Day Off; some of the other clips, not so much. But then, I was never a devotee of the Brat Pack films. Quite something to see the clip of a very young Alec Baldwin with an equally young Kevin Bacon and realize that they are contemporaries – and that Bacon has aged far better. So has Matthew Broderick (marriage must be good for him, and for his lovely bride).

WHEN is Samuel Jackson going to learn to leave the ugly headgear behind???!? Not on stage!

Stupid voiceover falsely wondering which film will win the F/X award. Oh, come ON now. Needless hype.

Mild-mannered presentations for short subject docs and short animated films.

They shouldn’t have cut the edgy jokes about Avatar: the ones they left in weren’t that good. But Ben Stiller coming out in Avatar-like makeup made up for it. Excellent, dude! And Star Trek gets its consolation prize in the award for best makeup.

Jeff Bridges comes out to present the clip for the Coen Brothers’ strange film A Serious Man.

Things seem to be moving along snappily. And blandly. Not so good. It has the feel of the organizers just wanting to get this over with, which is bad because the viewers may get exactly that same impression and switch it off. Long before it’s over.

Too many commercials!!! But don’t we always think that?

Best adapted screenplay award clips are disturbing, particularly the one from District 9. Geoffrey Fletcher wins it for Precious. Tough work, well deserved.

Queen Latifah works that dress walking upstage to present the Governors’ Award. Shared by Roger Corman and Lauren Bacall. Now that’s an odd couple. And I’m not clear on what that award is really for or what the criteria are.

And they follow that with Robin Williams, of all people, presenting the best supporting actress role??? That has a definite creep factor to it. Eewwwwwwwwww. But Maggie Gyllenhall looks radiant in the audience. Hmmm, perhaps the program organizers thought there would be a certain symmetry, with one comedian presenting to another, if Mo’nique won. And she does win. And thanks her husband in a way nobody else has so far tonight.

Colin Firth presents the clip for An Education, and all I can think is that I love this man’s voice and smile and I want to have his baby – and I really hate the notion of me having any kids at all, so you know he's impressive tonight. Sigh. Firth looks SOoooooo unconsciously good in a tux. Like a beautifully wrapped English bonbon, waiting for someone to unwrap him. Damn.

Sigourney Weaver in beautifully draped deep red, there to present the art direction award, which predictably goes to Avatar. A quiet, impressive presence, as usual.

How appropriate: Tom Ford and Sarah Jessica Parker present the costume design award. A presenter couple that finally makes sense. Sandy Powell wins for The Young Victoria and charmingly dedicates her award to the designers who do contemporary films instead of period ones and don’t get recognized, “but I’m taking it home tonight.” Of course you are, darling! It’s her third, and deserved, but she’s right.

Still more commercials larded in after every single award. I’ve got ad fatigue – enough, already!!!! It’s 9:15 by now, and yet it still feels like they’re rushing through this. They should have started the actual awards program at 8pm Eastern and not rushed. But Martin and Baldwin would still have needed better material to be truly funny. It’s the program organizers’ fault. Get new writers, you dweebs.

Aha, the Twi-hards are kvelling but the Oscar audience is underwhelmed, ’cause Kristen Stewart and Taylor Lautner are up presenting a clip about horror films. Stewart’s dress is fine but her delivery is wooden: she sounds like she doesn’t really want to be there. Perhaps she’ll feel differently next year if one of her good films this year (The Runaways, Welcome To The Rileys) is nominated. And of course, once the horror compilation is over, they cut to Quentin Tarantino heartily applauding.

Nice twist: this is immediately followed by Anna Kendrick and Zac Efron to present for sound editing and mixing. Kendrick may have the part of a shallow nasty in the Twilight films, but at least she has an Oscar nomination this year for a better film. The Hurt Locker wins both categories, and the same guy wins for both: a grim looking but very grateful Scandinavian type, Paul N.J. Ottosson.

Elizabeth Banks intros the sci-tech awards, and nobody gets named – just a blanket congrats. Ugh. What a cheat for her AND for all those who won. Really: is there any worse way in which to treat these folks like second-class citizens of Hollywood? I think not. They wuz robbed.

John Travolta intros the clip from Inglourious Basterds. Which I just watched night before last. And now, another commercial break. Yes, a few seconds was more than enough of Travolta, but that doesn’t mean I prefer the ads. Still, Jaimie Oliver’s Food Revolution might be interesting if he can actually persuade any kids to eat their vegetables and not spit them out once they’re out of camera range.

Martin gets through some weak jokes with aplomb (as in, just plow through them) to intro a lovely Sandra Bullock looking very un-Bullock-like in a leafy-embroidered gown and sounding very un-Bullock-like in perfectly pronouncing Mauro Fiore’s name (complete with rolling Rs; brava!) before handing him an Oscar for cinematography on Avatar.

Demi Moore looking like a feminine Oscar statuette in copper silk, up to intro James Taylor for the obits segment ... and the first photo up is Patrick Swayze. Always grim to realize how many and who we’ve lost in a year. Yet I recall last year’s clip montage as being far more affecting. Perhaps it’s that rushed feeling again. Or does it seem like it’s being rushed because I’m blogging this instead of just watching – ? Nah, that’s not it.

J-Lo and Sam Worthington, who wore an Elvis-Costello-like skinny tie and black day suit, intro the best musical score award and an awkward, weird dance interpretation of the nominated scores. The Hurt Locker’s entry sounds more like a Clint Eastwood spaghetti western score, probably because of the twangy guitar; was that intended (editorial comment by the orchestra arranger??). And Up’s entry, though enchanting, has this strange guy-meets-gal-next-to-a-robot dance. Avatar’s score sounds perky and ’inspirational’; they may win just for that reason. Ah, no – Michael Gioacchino wins for Up, and it takes the unseen voiceover gal offstage to finally pronounce his surname correctly after both J-Lo and Worthington bungle it. Feh.

Gerard Butler and Bradley Cooper: another ill-suited couple of presenters, announcing for F/X. We know who’s getting this one. I’ll be surprised if it’s anything other than Avatar, after all the hoo-hah over the 3D (no, it’s not, of course: Cameron’s boys get it).

Matt Damon, having cleaned up well in a tux, presents the documentary feature award to – surprise, surprise – The Cove, about dolphins (and Fisher Stevens is involved??? Whoa: never expected him at the Oscars, let alone as a producer). Damn the guys; it’s so much easier for them to look good and to find the right outfit.

Tyler Perry (why is he here?) up to present for film editing, and he does kinda okay with the so-so jokes. The Hurt Locker gets it. That puts Bigelow’s film ahead, so far. Good.

Keanu Reeves is gaunt and nearly unrecognizable, even vocally, as he presents the clip of The Hurt Locker. What happened?? He sounds gravelly, like he’s been screaming for three days straight. And there’s only a wide-angle shot (did I miss the close-up?), so he might actually look even worse. I wouldn’t have recognized him in a billion years. Here’s hoping he’s been starving himself for a movie role he’s accepted instead of starving for some other reason. Call me soft, but I really liked him with Bullock in The Lake House a few years ago: two grown-ups of the same age portraying two adult people the same age falling in love. Finally! Thank you.

Pedro Almodovar and (yikes) Quentin Tarantino up to announce the best foreign language film. And Quentin does a halfway decent job of pronunciation. Who knew? El Secreto De Sus Ojos (Argentina) wins. The guy accepting has a cute speech.

Kathy Bates intros the clip from Avatar. And she strikes me as a big black column in that dress, tho a not-too-shoddy column. Almost elegant, but only almost (yeah, I know: that’s less than she was hoping for).

Another commercial. And another, and another, and another. I hate this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Particularly the frackin’ Windows 7 ad. Yeeesh!

Whoa – FIVE people up to announce best actor? What were they thinking??? Ah, mini-profiles; that explains it. But Michelle Pfeiffer looks ravishing and suitably glam, giving her take on what she knows of Jeff Bridges and comments on his performance. Vera Farmiga, also in red like Pfeiffer, natters on charmingly about Clooney; but I can’t help noticing that her accordion-pleat-trim dress looks more like several useless fans pasted on an otherwise grand dress. Julianne Moore rivetingly describes Colin Firth, in an equally riveting off-white sparkly gown. Tim Robbins (where’s he been?) gets some genuine laughs in talking about Morgan Freeman. Colin Farrell teases and lauds Jeremy Render for The Hurt Locker. On second thought, Farmiga’s gown looks much better in a long shot. And Kate Winslet, looking absolutely wonderful in a slim, tailored, strapless silver gown, hands the statuette to Jeff Bridges. Everyone predicted this, and yet he’s still remarkably informal in his gleeful, laid-back acceptance. And still The Dude while he’s at it. Is he ever not? Nice to know he’s been married to bride Sue for 33 years. Someone in Tinseltown still manages to stay married.

I suppose this means five more people with mini-profiles for the best actress slot ... well, better that than more ads. Which we’ll get anyway. Frack.

Ick. Ad pitchman Billy May may be dead, but now they have a nearly equally loud Brit guy doing voiceover for OxyClean. Both slimy and creepy. And I actually like the product and use it, but this ad has me rethinking that.

Yup, best actress is up next. Here come the profiles. Oh, NO – it’s Oprah. Can I never escape this woman??! At least Forest Whittaker is first, talking about Sandra Bullock. Michael Sheen on Helen Mirren, and his experience of working with her on last year’s nominee, The Queen; well done, Sheen. Carey Mulligan looks lovely, elfin and undernourished as her co-star talks about her. Now Oprah gives us the inspirational take on Gabourey Sidibe; lord, how much of this can I stand ... I liked the film, but I really don’t want to be treated to the Oprah Book Club take on this actress or this role. Yuck. And at last, Stanley Tucci gushes and dishes with a wink (appropriately in both cases) about La Grande Meryl and is the only one who can really get away with another Streep joke, and does. Sean Penn comes out in that same thin-tie-black-suit Worthington wore earlier (Bobbsey Twins?) to give the award to Sandra Bullock. Well of course they weren’t going to give it to Meryl after so many nominations; it’s like she’s expected to be pleased with that much after so much excellence. But Bullock is humble, worthy, and praises extravagantly and sincerely all her fellow nominees in this category, starting off with a great quip: “Did I really win this, or did I just wear you all down?” A cute line to Streep, too, which has the latter giggling, and a humorous swipe at Clooney before Bullock starts tearing up and choking up and thanking the people who need to be mentioned. Nice job.

Ahhhhh, Barbra Streisand – now there’s a real diva. And she remarks on all the politically correct aspects of the nominees for best director and the possible history to be made here tonight. But I think we know who she’s rooting for, even though La Barbra gives her delivery without hint of favoritism, like the pro she is. WOOT, it’s Kathryn Bigelow!!!!!! History it is. Fantastic! She even has a nice, understated gown. Even nicer that Cameron grinned and applauded enthusiastically for his ex (you bet they had that reaction shot). But how absolutely cheesy of the orchestra to spoil it by playing “I am woman, hear me roar” as Bigelow exits the stage. Seriously: Annie Lennox and Aretha singing “Sisters are doing it for themselves” might have actually hit us over the head less. Not that I really wanted to hear either tune.

Tom Hanks puts the frosting on: The Hurt Locker wins best picture. Oh, my. Are we verklempt, or what? How she glows. And the banned producer Nicolas Chartier is duly thanked (take that, you snotty organizers). Somehow, I think James Cameron is well satisfied with his historic box office instead. Everybody wins.

And I never saw most of the gowns because they had the stupid Baba-Wawa clip show beforehand; oh well, never mind. Besides, Ben Stiller had the best look anyway. Didn’t you know? Blue is in now.

Not that Katherine Bigelow needs to wear it. {-D

Hmmmmm; blogging does make the Oscar show go faster. But I don't know that I'll do this again next year; a pile of friends, a big screen at home, and lots of champagne sounds better. Now to check out all those dresses I missed ...